Well friends, today marks the day before my birthday. I turn 25 tomorrow. Birthdays are weird, they always have been. I always seem to get sad around my birthday and I have no idea why. When it is months away, im okay and happy that my birthday is coming up, but then it actually happens, and for some reason I always get sad. I don’t know if It is all of the focus on ‘you’ for that day, or the fact that I am getting older and realize I have to think more seriously about my life as years go by, or the fact that right now I am just a bit of a cranky gal due to this competition prep.
I always try to be positive and look at everything ‘glass half full’ so this is just what I am trying to do as my birthday approaches this year. On the topic of birthdays, I also never know what to say when people say “oh, what do you want for your birthday” really? You think I am going to sit here and write a list of things I want/need? Probably not--- I am sure some people would gladly do that, but honestly, its just not my style. I tell people who ask me to get what they think would be best for me, knowing me, and what I love. Go find something and I will love it no doubt.
Now, onto me being a ‘cranky’ gal. I want to talk about a little something that has really consumed my life which is my competition preparation. I began this journey back in August (wow, its been a while) I joined CSF and pretty immediately fell in love with the training, eating, and the way I was looking and feeling. The competition was always in the back of my mind, but so far out-I was just focused on me and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Competing has always been a goal of mine, one which I finally buckled down and finally said now or never.
As the time got closer to show, I was inundated with information about suits, posing, heels, clothing, training, and more diet…it all was a bit much all at once, but I still, tried to remain balanced and keep everything in my life as normal as it could be. I am packing and prepping all of my meals (I usually always do anyways) and measuring my food (which I do not like to do all of the time) Not to mention all of the expenses for show really do add up! Suit, heels, make up, classes etc….it adds up fast! I don’t mean to be complaining in any way shape or form. I knew from the get go this was MY CHOICE. I am taking full responsibility for all of my decisions and actions throughout this whole experience.
** I do have to say that the CSF team is amazing. They work hard, and truly pay attention to each and every one of their girls on Team Savage. I love the friends I have made and the support I have encountered. I don’t know if I would be able to do this alone.
Now, I am 4 weeks out, and I have to say, as much as I preach about balance and doing what you love all the time—I am confessing that I do not feel balanced. I feel a bit out of whack and ‘off’. I hate turning down visiting friends, or going out to a dinner because I can’t eat anything on the menu. Don’t get me wrong…I have my HEART set on this and I am giving it 110%. I wouldn’t give it any less. I just feel like this whole experience has been somewhat of a rollercoaster. Sometimes I LOVE it and get insane from the energy, the workouts, the friends I have made, the way I look, but other days…I just want to eat a WHOLE apple with some peanut butter and not feel bad about it or go for a walk with my boyfriend downtown Boston and not have to pack my lunch beforehand. I think these next 4 weeks will really put me to the test mentally. YES I am competing, and I cannot wait until I get on stage to share my hard work which has been 6 months in the making, but after that I can’t wait to find balance in my life again. I want to look forward to workouts, trying new activities, hike, bike, go for a run, without needing to do these things. Recently the gym has felt more of a chore than enjoyment. Sure I love my workouts, but sometimes I just wish I could be more ‘go with the flow’ about the workouts rather than “It’s Tuesday-I have to lift back and biceps”
So why am I sharing all of this? Well first of all its my blog and I want to vent a little bit. But I also wanted to share the other aspects of training for a fitness competition. Not the negatives-but just a different perspective. I am still in awe that I am able to stay so focused, determined and ready to rock this, but I also cannot wait to bring back the other aspects of my life that I have missed—spending time with friends, family and my boyfriend; Reading, writing, trying new restaurants, trying new foods and recipes, traveling and just enjoying ALL aspects of life. For all those in my life who seem they have taken a backseat…from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry and I promise that I will be back and can’t wait until I am back…I mean 100% fully back.
And to all of you—Thank you for your constant support throughout this whole journey. You have all been amazing.