Do You Thrive When You’re In Control? I’ve Been There–Learn Tips to Overcome Control {and how it can change your life}

Have you ever been in a situation that you just wanted to take complete control over but the issues that arose didn’t allow for this, in fact they were completely out of your control? Me too.

Being in control is ‘safe’

I have dealt with this in so many different scenarios in my life. Here are some ways that I tried to take control of certain situations that I have found myself in:

“If I go out to this restaurant and don’t know the menu beforehand, I always have my chicken in a tupperware that I brought to eat afterwards”  

In this situation, I avoided my ever so common food anxiety, by ensuring that I took control of the situation by having my own food with me.

“I don’t want to be out late, and I don’t really want to drink a lot, so I will be the designated driver, that way I have the control because its MY car so I can leave when I want”

This was often me in High School. I didn’t love partying too hard, or staying out too late, so I often was the one to drive (willingly) that way, I could leave when I wanted and my friends could join me (or not) if they wanted to stay out later.

“I want to make sure that I don’t skip a workout on this bachelorette party, so I will plan a group Spin class to ensure that I get my workout in without feeling awkward and waking up to workout before everyone wakes up”

In this situation, I was taking control of the situation by ensuring that everyone had a group workout so I wouldn’t get anxiety about not working out for 3 days (these days, this is NO longer the case at all!)

“I don’t want to go to that BBQ because I don’t want to eat and drink all of the food that will be there, so I will bring my own healthy dish to share with everyone, knowing I will be the only one eating it”

In this situation, the food anxiety set back in, and I tried to take control of the situation by ensuring I had a crutch; the healthy dish that I was bringing. If all else fails, I can eat that.

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Being in control makes people feel secure, validated and solid. We naturally don’t like feeling like we don’t know what’s coming next, and I for one am totally one of those people. Ever since I was little, I would ask so many questions about every single thing we did as a family or if we had plans:

“When will we get there?” “what is for lunch?” “How long is the drive?” “How long are we staying there?”  “What time will we be home?” “Will be be home in time for me to get enough sleep?” “Who is going to be there?”

Guys…these are REAL questions that I would ask my parents and if they’re reading this (which they probably are!) They know that my control issues and planning ran DEEP.

It feels so safe to have everything under control, but thinking that we have the power to always pull the strings and take charge of the situation can be problematic and can set yourself up for even more anxiety.

How to know if you like to keep control of situations

  • Other people have told you that you are a control freak or poke fun at the fact that you always want to know everything about the plans/day/experience.

  • You don’t delegate tasks well because you want to do it all yourself.

  • You get anxious if someone else has taken charge and you don’t know enough about what he/she is planning or will come up with.

  • Even when you know you aren’t in control of a situation, you have trouble ‘going with the flow’

  • If you don’t succeed at something, you always blame yourself

  • You have trouble asking others for help in a situation because you don’t want them to take over

  • You’re known as the ‘planner’ in your group or in your family because you always take charge.

If you nodded your head YES to any of these scenarios above, hearing me out with what I have to say about letting go of control may resonate in a beautiful way with you.  

When we learn to let go of things we can’t control, the amount of time and energy you will shift toward things you CAN control will sky rocket and your overall quality of life will improve greatly.

How About The Things We CAN’T Control.

Okay, so I have given some examples about things you CAN control (using my own car, bringing my own food, making sure to get in exercise) But how about circumstances that we can’t control?

  • You weren’t asked to present at your work conference even though you were 98% sure your boss would choose you

  • You didn’t get into the class that you wanted at the very specific time that you wanted.

  • That date that you went on that you had such a good time at? He never called.

  • Your friend asked you to wear (what you think) is a really unflattering dress at her wedding

  • Traffic patterns when you’re running late to something

  • You weren’t invited to a really close friends’ engagement party and felt really left out

  • You create a great product, but don’t know if anyone will buy it after you market it.

  • You’ve worked so hard prepping for this tennis match but have no idea if you will win

  • You think you hosted a great party, but have no idea if people really had fun or if they wanted to go home.

Why We Want Control:

At its core, I believe that we want control as a way to manage our own anxiety. In essence, if you have everything planned and mapped out, then nothing can go wrong, but if we aren’t in the driver’s seat, we have no idea what could take place and we could all of the sudden be involved with someone or something, somewhere we didn’t want to be. We want to do everything OUR way, which is why we find it hard to delegate tasks or ask others for help. 

The Problems With Control:

Whenever I brought food with me on family trips or be sure to have picked the restaurant  based on what I wanted to eat, ensuring enough options, I stressed out. ALWAYS.

Taking Control Can Lead To Anxiety:

I insisted on doing these things to have control but in reality I was creating so much more work and anxiety for myself.  I felt ‘weird’ bringing tupperware into a restaurant with me because I knew it wasn’t really the right thing to do. I focused so much on this, that I missed out on the enjoyment of being with the people who matter, talking about life and ordering off of the menu like everyone else. THe idea of taking out my food at the table gave me anxiety, but because I wanted that control, I did it.

It Can Harm Relationships:

Just think about it. If you try to take control of a situation, without taking into account the other people around you, it comes off bitchy, right? Imagine someone came up to you and said “Hey, we’re going to Capital Grille for dinner” instead of “Hey! Where do you think we should go to dinner? Capital Grille came to mind, but I am open to ideas” The latter is a much more pleasant way to come across, right? In general, if you have serious control issues, there are few people who will want to entertain this attitude.

Judgement (of yourself and others)

If you like things done a certain way and ONLY that way and you pride yourself on being super organized and always thinking ahead, when you come across someone who isn’t necessarily on your level, you may criticize them and think they don’t have they’re shi*t together, right?  The truth is that we ALL handle situations differently and also react differently. There is no correct way to go about anything and just because someone didn’t get to the end result the same way as you, doesn’t mean that there is a place for judgement. If you hold your standards and expect certain things from others all of the time in the way that YOU would want, you set yourself up for judgement.

We will always be in situations that are 100% out of our control and it is how we REACT

Instead? Focus On What You CAN Control:

What you can control in every single situation is how you react and your mind. Simply shifting your mind to exhibit a different way of thinking can turn any situation around.

{PERSONAL STORY AHEAD}
I went to an event with my boyfriend a few months back that I just didn’t want to attend. It was a beautiful Saturday night in June and we were inside a gymnasium for an alumni dinner and it just wasn’t what I wanted to be doing. Because of those reasons, I was sour, in a bad mood and just stayed in this funk the whole evening. Later on, he expressed to me how hurt her was that I acted this way and just because it wasn’t the exact thing I wanted to do, I still should’ve had a smile on my face and made the most of the situation because it was important to him. Things shifted for me after we had this conversation and I realized what a control freak, spoiled brat I was being. He was right on every level.

I took a situation that I knew I wasn’t going to be thrilled with and I let it consume me, when in fact I could’ve just changed my attitude and realized how grateful I was to be spending a beautiful night at this important event with one of the most important people in my life. It was a small minded view that I took and in reality, all that needed to shift was my mindset.  You can always control your mindset and your reaction. If I came into this event with the idea that I can control my reaction and my outward attitude, I would have a great time EVEN IF I still didn’t want to be there; I needed to do this for him.

Practice Acceptance

Have you ever been witness or been in a situation where two people were doing essentially the same thing, but reacted 100% differently? It is all about ATTITUDE and ACCEPTANCE. I was once on the T and there was a woman on Facetime with what looked like her daughter, after a long day at work. She wasn’t being overly loud and really not getting in anyone’s way but she was talking. People were sitting, reading their books, on social media and doing their thing; everyone certainly noticed that this woman was being a little louder, but after they acknowledged it, they moved on and kept to themselves. There was one woman who was NOT having it. She kept vocalizing how rude it is to be talking so loud and to be on Facetime and that the T’s should should be silent. She kept mumbling to herself and then proceeded to take out ear pods to block sound (being overly dramatic) When the T stopped at the next stop, she rushed off as if Beyonce was waiting for her and moved into another cart. Me and the others glanced at each other with the look “this lady is crazy” giggled, and then kept doing what we were doing

This is an example where you cannot control anything! This woman and everyone else found themselves in the same situation, but chose to react in different ways, that changed the course of everything. Even if you don’t love the situation that you are in, you must choose to accept it. You can accept if your friend doesn’t invite you to her wedding, you can accept if you have a mean boss or if your roommate is a slob. This does NOT mean that you can’t work on influencing them to change behavior, but you absolutely, 100% can’t force them to be different.

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What happens When You LET GO of Control

 You Will Learn To Accept People’s Differences:

We are all unique. We all have different values and see things in such different ways. This is an INCREDIBLE THING, you guys. The second I started to appreciate each person individually for who they are, no judgement and no questions, I began to see how unique we really are and also what value THEY can bring to my life. You must understand that people will do things in the way that they want to, not in the way that you want them to, so once you accept and understand that, it’s a game changer.

You Will Be Happy:

It is so limiting to your life to think about controlling how other people live. Have you ever said something like “Wow, I can’t believe she did that?!” As if “that” was something that you would NEVER do? Well, you have to realize that we will ALL do things without the approval of 100% of our network, and that’s okay! Recently, I found myself very hurt over a situation because i had that thought “I can’t believe she did that” After talking to so many people in my life, I came to the conclusion, “it is what it is” and I will be the bigger person and not react in a way that I (deep down) wanted to. Once I let it brush off my shoulders, I was able to smile and live my life!

New Things Come Your Way:

When you try to control everything, maybe because it’s ‘what you’re used to’ you realize that you could be missing out on trying so many new things, meeting new people, seeing new places! If you always go to the same restaurant because its ‘safe’ and you know what you order…try going to a new place! You have no idea that it my be your new favorite! If you are single or want to meet new people, and tired of online dating (something that is ‘safe’ and you can do from your couch), try looking into an actual activity that gets you out of the house and into meeting people face-to-face!

Less Stress

Once you get yourself to the point where you don’t feel like you’re carrying everyone’s weight around (because you want to do it all yourself) this can be the most freeing feeling. You will find more time to connect with yourself, your loved ones, your passions and put more time and effort into other aspects of your life. It may feel hard right away, but in the long term, you will harbor so much less stress and anxiety.

You May Cry, But Then, You Get Stronger:

Lastly, cry it out, but get stronger because of it. When things don’t go your way, if you’re like me–you may get emotional. I cry, guys…Im a woman with feelings! This is totally okay. Sometimes crying is so therapeutic and I think that crying should be more socially acceptable. It doesn’t even have to be because you’re sad! Sometimes you just need a good cry. Whenever I finish crying if I am upset about something, it;s as if a lightbulb goes off in my head and I am ready to tackle the thing with even more vigor. I am ready to take action and focus on myself. I always become more aware of things around me and my visions become clearer.