The time is 2014.

I completed my last show. I was coaching for Cathy savage fitness at that point but I knew that this final step on stage would be my last. I loved the feeling of being on stage and over the course of 3 years, my stage presence, posing and comfortability with being in a tiny bikini in front of 500+ people felt like a whole new person from show 1 to 6. What changed? Certainly it was the physical way my body looked. I worked HARD (physically) but really what changed was my mentality about my body. I stepped offstage that day, knowing it was going to be my last, and finally being OKAY with it-happy in fact! 

Ready for my FINAL show!

Half of my camera roll was scantily clad pictures of me, first thing in the morning AKA body shots. Every morning for many months, I took a picture to see how my body changed overnight (LOL) and if you compete or used to, you know what I mean! I was ready to add some color, diversity and color to my camera roll.

You see—after I completed my 1st, the attention I got, the power I had in “being a fitness competitor” essentially defined who I was. I was scared of showing other sides of me. If I wasn’t this bikini competitor who just underwent a huge transformation then what else would people see in me? 

I knew that I was a good trainer, I had a solid business in Downtown Boston that was booming, people were starting to reach out to me from referrals, and my website/blog was booming. If I STOPED these fitness shows, I had a deep fear that I would lose all of this other career defining ‘stuff’ I had a “look” to maintain and a reputation to uphold and the thought of NOT having a show to aim for scared the living daylights out of me. My clients had seen me go through prep, they saw me lose weight, they saw me talk about the actual event. They found it fascinating and I think many of them thought their trainer was ‘so badass’ for doing this.

So, now what? Would they find another trainer? 

It took me SO long to be comfortable with the rest of ME to step away and share other aspects of my life and my passions. 

My non-fitness competitor friends always had to ask if I was show prepping or not, if I could eat or drink certain foods/beverages, if I could attend the birthday party or had to wake up for posing. My shows ran the show! And while I LOVED every aspect of the show prep and every aspect of my life when I was competing,  I had FINALLY gotten my mind and my body to a point I felt comfortable to no longer be defined by that title: “A bikini competitor” 

Here’s the thing—when we associate ourselves so deeply with a certain job, hobby, person, place or thing, we find it hard to define ourselves in any other way.  

Ross and Rachel from FRIENDS, for example. They were in each others lives for all 10 seasons of the show and no one knew them any other way. —- I digress (favorite show in the entire world) 

Competing was “my thing” it made me…me. But I was stressed out just thinking about always trying to uphold this ‘image’

That I COULD be an awesome trainer, but not compete.

That I COULD be an awesome trainer and also love ice cream.

That I COULD be an awesome trainer and not always want to lift weights, but do other forms of activity. 

That I COULD be an awesome trainer and drink wine, stay out too late and watch FRIENDS reruns instead of hitting the gym. 

THAT WAS OKAY

You see, breaking free of this ‘title’ let me see so many other aspects of my life that I both missed and also wanted to try. 

I have so many other things that make up who I am. Competing defined ME (yet I wanted to!) because I didn’t have enough confidence and self awareness to acknowledge other aspects of myself. It became stressful to think about stopping. “would I lose clients? Followers? Not be seen as a good enough trainers?”

One day, things just flipped for me. It could be the confidence I gained, while being a part of Cathy Savage Fitness (and still am as a coach!) or maybe my maturity as I got a little older and wiser. I learned SO much from those years and I am so grateful for them, as they hold such a near and dear place in my heart.

Looking back now, I don’t think I was crazy to let this “thing” define me. In the moment, I loved every single aspect of it and would not have changed a THING. It made me strong, made me figure out myself and introduced me to some of the most amazing relationships I have ever had with true friends.

It was a vulnerable time for me and we all go through stuff that makes us who we are. If anything it made me so passionate about other aspects of my life to ensure balance. 

No, I didn’t lose clients.

No, I didn’t lose followers.

I gained respect and I gained self appreciation.

 

Don’t let the fear of having something you think define you stop you from diving into something else. Your friends, family and loved ones will still think you’re the shit!

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